I'm impulsive.
Usually, this is not a terrible thing. Sometimes, however, it can result in a second pair of sparkly flip flops even though I only needed (okay--wanted) one pair. Other times, it can be a very expensive problem. After making the impulsive decision to drive to LA to shop for my wedding dress, I entered a store, and tried on a few dresses. One gown caught my eye. I kept glancing at myself in the mirror, attempting to make my way back to the dressing room before turning around and walking right back up to to the pedestal. I took off the dress, hung it up gently, and ran my fingers along the beading. I put my clothes back on, glancing over my shoulder for just one more glance. I walked out of the store, and made it halfway to my car before turning around, marching right back into the store, and handing them a very large wad of cash.
What can I say? I embody the very definition of impulsiveness.
Today, true to form, I have made another impulsive decision:
I'm ready to have kids.
Really?
Yes.
REALLY??
Maybe.
But, yes. I am.
I suppose there's no way to know for sure. And there's no way to really be prepared or even to know what you're in for. But I'm certain that I'm ready. Now.
It occurred to me today when I was at Reema's graduation. I kept thinking about how I've been with her for so long. I was with this girl when she was 8 years old in the third grade, lying about her homework and constantly forgetting to blow her nose. Yet here we are, 5 1/2 years later, as I watched her, wearing an ill-fitting blue gown, walk across a middle-school auditorium stage, as proud as can be. A slide show flashed a photograph of a radiant, smiling, curly-haired Arab girl, with chubby cheeks that matched her light pink shirt. The slide show progressed and images of babies and toddlers hovered on the screen, followed by the cap and gown photos of their older selves. One by one, babies turned into adolescents, and many years were condensed into only a few seconds.
For a moment, I became overwhelmed by the realization that I was sitting in a room full of parents. All around me were mothers and fathers who had cared for these graduates for 13 years, tirelessly loving them, fighting with them, praising them, and chastising them. Into these children had gone hopes and dreams for the future, self-assurances and self-doubts, but mostly love. Doubtless some of these kids were surprises. Some were planned and prayed for. But all of them, every single one, was loved.
Maybe, just maybe, all you need is love. A little responsibility, a great deal of awe, some trust in your instincts are important. A little money in the bank would be nice. A lot of money in the bank would be even better. But, watching those kids today made me believe that most important of all is a commitment to love.
Watching the girls grow over the years has given me a confidence that I wouldn't have had otherwise. I've seen them fight with each other, with their mother, and with me. I've listened to their stories, as inane as they sometimes were. I've been the recipient of hugs and cantaloupes transformed into birthday cakes, of rants about how unfair life is, and bad attitudes that I didn't know young children could possess. And from the very beginning, I've loved those girls with every fiber of my soul.
It makes me realize that I could do this having kids thing. I'm not so disillusioned to believe that they'll remain babies forever, and I don't just want to have a baby. I want to have a child. I want to have an adolescent, then a teenager, then an adult. I want to have an independent mind, a brilliant thinker, a strong will, a "smiler" and a thinker. Not just a baby. Another human to love and to be loved. I want to have another human to bring this world a bit farther than it is today, who will make it a bit more vibrant than it presently is.
I'm 100% percent ready to have kids, and to raise them alongside my brilliant husband who has so much love to give and who already gives so much love.
I might be impulsive, but this is different. It's less like falling in love with a wedding dress and more like falling in love with my husband.
It appears that the time has come.
